The Stand Off by UCSBdad

[UCSBdad]

The Stand Off
By
Bob Hutchinson
(UCSBdad)

Disclaimer: Still Froon’s. I still make no money from this and won’t sue if it ends up in Fusion of the Caribbean: The Avatar Code’s Eleven, starring, written by, produced by and directed by Richard Manning. But, Froony, isn’t Hollywood where everybody signs ironclad contracts and then sues everyone else anyway?

Rating: PG 13 (Language.)

Time: Right now! Maybe.

Spoilers: Not likely.


I was headed for Orange County on surface streets. I drove with the traffic, being careful to obey every traffic law in existence. This in itself could be suspicious to some cops. Law abiding citizens weren’t that careful. Only people with something to hide were. I cringed inside every time I saw a black and white or a four door sedan with two guys in suits inside. Probably plain clothes, I thought. Or Jehovah’s Witnesses, off to ring some doorbells and darken someone’s morning.

Angela was apparently worn out by her work with Mexicali Pete. She had her head on my shoulder and seemed to be sleeping. I had moved her hand from my thigh and it stayed put for once. Jasmine was sitting as far from the two of us as she could get and remain physically in the car. From the looks she was giving me, I wouldn’t have bet against her asking to ride on top of the car.

Angela snuggled against me, and then sat up. “I need some smokes.”

“That’s a disgusting habit.” Jasmine snapped. “Having gotten your life back, you should try to make a better life for yourself this time.”

Angela gave Jasmine a smile. “You mean like keeping myself pure and chaste until I’m a widow, like some people?”

“Just because I don’t screw everything that moves, or only appears to move, doesn’t mean that….”

“Can I have some cigarettes, Rocco?” She asked, cutting Jasmine off in mid-snark.

I reflected on the problems of having a tobacco addict going cold turkey in the car as opposed to upsetting Jasmine. Jasmine was upset already and Angela might actually know something important inside that smack addled brain. Jasmine would hang around because it was her job, no matter how mad she got. Angela could take off at a moment’s notice.

“Sure, we can get some cigarettes for you. There’s a little shopping center ahead.”

Angela gave me a smile and went for my chest, for once. I removed her hand. Jasmine said something that might have been “spit shed”, but wasn’t. I turned into the parking lot.

Things started to go wrong as soon as I cut the car’s engine.

“Stop! Stop thief!”

Somebody was backing out of one of the stores. Homeless for sure. He was wearing all of the ragged clothing he owned and hadn’t seen a barber or a shower for a while. Out of the car, I could easily smell sweat and urine.

Oh, yeah. I had reacted immediately. Out of the car, coat pulled back to show the badge I still carried and with my best “I’m a cop, now what the hell is going on?” look.

A kid stepped out of the store. Typical suburban kid, baggy pants and tee shirt and too long dirty blond hair. On his shirt was a name tag: Hi, I’m Tim.

I caught Tim’s eye. “Officer! Stop him! He stole a ferret!”

The bum turned around to face me. “Don’t arrest me! Arrest that geek. This is all his doing.”

“Geek?” Tim protested.

“You still live with your parents!” the bum said snidely.

“I’m nineteen. I’ll go off to college next year. Probably.” He finished lamely.

“The geek is dangerous! He’s plotting against us.”

“I’m not a geek!” Tim howled.

“You go to conventions for science fiction shows that were cancelled years ago, geek!”

“Lots of people like old TV shows.”

Okay, Tim was a geek, but the bum wouldn’t leave it alone. “You don’t have a girlfriend, geek.”

“I do too, and we have sex all the time, too.”

I could hear Angela and Jasmine giggle as Tim lied away.

I had heard enough. I walked towards a bum. “Sir, do you have a ferret?”

“You bet he does.” Tim interrupted. “He stole Bo from the pet store where I work.” Tim waved vaguely to the store behind him: Pet City.

I took another step towards him and the bum reached down his pants and pulled out a bedraggled looking ferret. I wondered for a second how the ferret had survived down there.

“Keep away!” yelled the bum. “I have a ferret and I’m not afraid to use it.”

Bo snarled and bared his fangs at me. He was one unhappy ferret.

“Sir, put the ferret down and back slowly away. No one needs to get hurt.” I tried to calm the bum down.

“You don’t understand!” the bum cried. “That kid is a monster. He’s been breeding ferrets in there for a couple of years. I sleep in the alleyway in back of the store. Him and the ferrets have some sort of mental telepathy going. I can hear every word they say. In my head. The voices are always in my head.”

That was all I needed today, someone with voices in their head. “Sir, put the ferret down now.”

“NO!” screamed the bum. “They’re planning to raise an army of intelligent ferrets and take over the world. We have to stop them! Otherwise this geek and his furry pal will rule the world.”

Bo’s genetically altered brain was becoming more intelligent by the second. He realized he had no choice but to abandon his Creator and put his own plans into action. He turned and bit down hard on the hand holding him. Then, without so much as a glance backward at Tim, he headed for the storm drain opening across the street.

For reasons he couldn’t quite comprehend, he noticed that he found both Angela and Jasmine to be very hot. Not that that kept him from running through the storm drains as fast as his legs would carry him, all the while finalizing his plans for world domination.

Alas, the DNA that gave Bo his intelligence was from Tim and was 100% geek. Bo was never able to get a single date with a lady ferret and died childless several years later while doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in ink. His dreams of breeding an army of super-intelligent ferrets died with him, although it did provide for some very interesting articles in the scientific journals.

The sad tale of Bo has nothing to do with our story, but it is the sort of thing I thought was necessary if Froon is ever going to sell this as a Sy Fy movie of the week.

The bum fell over and Tim began sobbing inconsolably. I motioned for Angela and Jasmine to get back in the car. We headed for Orange County with the sound of police sirens fading in the distance.


Next up: The OC.